Don’t get me wrong. I love the fact that I get to fly all over Europe for very cheap with them, but I hate every minute on that plane.  See, they are the cheapest airline around, and also the most profitable. What does this tell you about their business model? They have to make all that profit somewhere, right?

Ryanair has a no nonsense approach to customer service. If you want it, you will have to pay for it. Dearly. No nonsense. If you want to check a bag on your flight, you have to pay for it. Dearly. Feel like having a cup of water? Yep, that will cost you. Dearly. Want them to print out your boarding pass?You guessed it. It will cost you. Dearly. They even fly their own staircase with on the plane to ensure they don’t have to rent one from the ‘stairway’ company that all the other airlines use! What’s more, they recycle their airline crew – the same girl who checks your (printed-at-home) boarding pass, is also the same one who guides you through security and then she welcomes you on the plane. These poor cabin crew members are worked off their feet.

And it only gets worse once you step on the plane.  Thought you could sit back and relax on your European flight? Nooooo sirree! That would be too much. From the moment you step onto the plane and dash for a seat (yes, they don’t assign seats either – you have to take what you can get!) the direct selling starts. From smoke-free cigarettes to scratch-cards-that-benefit-hungry-children-somewhere to cosmetics to hotdogs to bus tickets from the airport to the city center to your favourite flavour coffee or a totpack of brand-less vodka to mix into your expensive Cola, you can get it all on your one hour 50 minute flight. And I have a strong suspicion that the cabin crew earn commission on their sales…It’s a constant barrage of “Get your scratchcards / hotdogs / perfume / bus tickets / drinks” thundering down the isle while all you want to do is forget about the fact that you’re on a plane.

I have now resorted to making no eye contact at all with these stewardesses, employing the same tactics I use when I walk through the cosmetic section of a huge department store. The less eye contact I make, the smaller the risk of them trying to sell me something!

Apparently Ryanair is about to start charging £1 to use the toilet on board. When we were on the plane this weekend I was almost disappointed to find that they weren’t doing it yet. I was all prepared with my response. When the stewardess said “That will be one pound”, I was going to pipe, “No Honey, this is an emergency – we’re talking at least three pounds here!”